A Ticket For What?
by Michael Mahoney
The assembly of Me(s) enter the court room taking their respective places
Mediator Me: Order everyone, let’s bring the assembly to order. For our first item of the afternoon I now hand to floor to whinny overly descriptive me so he can explain the situation for us.
Overly Descriptive Me: Sometimes something so terrible happens that we give them special names. A travesty, crime against nature, the dissolving the moral and ethical fabric of society, these have all been used and it is such words that must be used here. While we were walking home today, innocently, filled with hope and wonder and hunger, we got a ticket for JAY WALKING.
Sassy Me: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That’s what you were building up to? JAY WALKING? Uh let the record show that I think Overly descriptive Me is sooooooo lame.
Defensive Me: Don’t belittle it ass hat. It ruined our whole damn day.
Sassy Me: Oh sowwee little baby, I’ll call the news stations and let them know to stop covering the civil war in Syria because poor us had a shitty day.
Defensive Me: Wow, way to go there dick. If you don’t shut up I’ll petition to lock you down so deep in the psyche you’ll be spending all your time with drunken twerking Me and the Me that’s constantly giggling over the word duty.
Sassy Me: [Silence]
Defensive Me: Yeah, I thought so you…
Mediator Me: [Interrupts] Order you two, order! Overly Descriptive Me please continue with your story.
Overly Descriptive Me: Anyways, moving on, I’ll now tell you how everything came to be. See, we were walking on the edge of campus and came to the light on 28th and baseline. A slight breeze was combing through our hair bringing the sweet smell of mountain air along with it. There across the street from us was a resolute police car parked on the grass partly under the shade of the gnarled tree that spends most of its days as an umbrella for the homeless. Across the little patch of nature there was woman officer standing with authority talking to some visibly upset man on a bike not too far away. Clearly there was something going on. Checking the one-way street for cars we strolled through the cross walk towards the officer and bike dude. Another officer, getting out of the parked cruiser, approached us at a steady pace. There was a question on the tip of his tongue. In all the realm of questions to ask, there was only one it could be. The biker was going to get arrested, you see, and they wanted privacy, both for their sake, and for his. We removed our headphones, leaving the best part of the song to sing its glory to the empty air. Turning to address the officer we said, “What’s up officer.”
Smooth Me: Wo! Not too formal not to informal and with just the right touch of badassery, it’s what we’ve all come to expect of my lines. In your face reserved and formal Me(s)!
Sassy Me: While were stopping from Overly Descriptive Me’s Pulitzer winning speech here. I motion that from here on out the aforementioned officer is hence referred to as ‘officer lame fame.’
Devil’s Advocate Me: I’ll second that
Mediator Me: The motion carries.
General Assembly: [half grumbling half amusement]
Overly Descriptive Me: I would now ask memory Me to aid me with the officer’s response.
Sassy Me: Correction, officer lame face.
OD Me: I would now ask memory Me to aid me with the officer lame face’s response.
Memory Me: Officer lame face responded, “did you notice that the cross walk symbol told you to stop?” It was spoken in a rhetorical fashion with a discernable condescending undertone.
Mediator Me: Who answered?
Truthful Me: That would be me. I responded with, “yeah.”
Assembly of Me(s): “AHHHHHHH”
Logical Me: We broke the law in front of officer lame face, owning up to it was the correct response.
Tricky Me: How many times have I told you Truthful Me, never admit fault after the fact.
Complaining Me: What does it matter! Officer lame face is going to give us a ticket for JAY WALKING. People do that shit every day!
Logical Me: And I suppose that makes it not against the law right?
Sassy Me: Duh logical Me didn’t you know that when enough people do something it becomes the law.
Witty Me: Just like cigarette bans.
Overly Descriptive Me: Can I just finish the damn story? This assembly is raving on like the howl of the wind as it roars through the open…
Impatient Me: [Interrupts] Get on with it already!
Sympathetic Me: Come on everyone, let’s hear overly descriptive Me out.
Sassy Me: Yeah, we can always make fun of his prose later.
Overly Descriptive Me: Ok then. Then, Officer lame face, in a condescending tone that would belittle the CU physics department asks us, Take it Memory Me.
Memory Me: “Do you have your ID.” It was spoken matter-of-factly.
Impatient Me: And let me take a guess here, he LOUDLY proclaimed, that we broke the law as though there was some magical law being who was watching the event unfold ready to pass down some grand judgement.
Witty Me: HA!
Impatient Me: Shooosh you. Anyways, we gave the man our ID.
Crazy Me: We could have RUN!
Logical Me: Hey! Who let you out!?
Crazy Me: Explosions, running from the cops, thrills, thrills, thrills…. [Tackled and muzzled by the rest]
Impatient Me: Then, he said [Points to Memory Me]
Memory Me: “The law is meant to protect you”
Sassy Me: Right? Like the bastard was getting a hard on from just thinking about his badge. Granted, I think he was forgetting something about serving but I’m not keeping score.
Mediator Me: So what happened next?
Dumb Me: Psh, cars are easy to dodge and that cop was scared for nothing. So I told him so.
Logical Me: Wait, you didn’t actually say that did you?
Dumb Me: No? I’m going to go with no.
Sassy Me: Dumbass.
Witty Me: Good one ace.
Truthful Me: Seriously, why are you ever in charge?
Dumb Me: [moves to the side and speaks to the location he was just in] Yeah that is characteristic of someone with below average intelligence.
Overly Descriptive Me: Well the next thing we knew his hand was moving, putting his pen to the top page of the ticket pad. At this point our escape was impossible. Our hands landed on my hips in perfect pouty position and stood there vexed as Officer Lame Face jotted down notes on the ticket, stopping every now and then to reference my license. Irony tugged at the corner of our eyes. The light changed and the bold human emblem shone brightly, signaling for all that it was now safe to cross and the first car to pulled up to the now safe intersection. There were two women who were very curious about our current predicament. Needless to say, their smirks and muffled laughter didn’t do anything to improve the dire circumstances. Officer Lame Face didn’t notice the spectators though; he only had eyes for us. There was a heathen in front of him who didn’t understand how ignoring the most basic of laws was a precursor to murder and mayhem.
Crazy Me: mumumummumummumm…[Still muzzled]
Overly Descriptive Me: Yeah, yeah, whatever. The seconds ticked on. About a minute in Officer Lame Face stopped mid-line and asked.
Memory Me: [Sighs] “So what are you studying.” Cough, cough, “Mathematics,” with drawn out syllables was our answer.
Sassy Me: [Offers high five to himself]
Assembly of Me(s): [Mixed reactions]
Sassy Me: Oh what are you groaning about! Officer Lame face was writing us a ticket, why on earth would he think the small talk game was going to fly?
Sympathetic Me: But the man was just doing his job, there’s no reason to be nasty to him.
Angry Me: What!? Fuck that mother fucker, has anyone else ever seen someone get a ticket for Jay walking, ever? No I don’t think so. You should have taken that ticket and shoved it up his…”
Mediator Me: Ok, how about we have some more productive conversation. Logical Me, you have the floor.
Logical Me: The fact remains that the law was broken, and being a police officer, he had the authority to give out a ticket.
Complaining Me: But what about the human element of policing? We were clearly being careful when crossing the street, doesn’t that count for something? Besides, it’s more work for him if he gives us a ticket so that means he was going out of his way to do this.
Sympathetic Me: He could have been facing pressure at work to give out more tickets.
Logical Me: Because his car was parked on the curb he was likely staking out the intersection along with his partner just for the purpose of handing out similar tickets.
Sassy Me: Yeah, it’s only natural for people to take out their outside pressures on people who didn’t deserve it.
Mediator Me: But we should all remember that pressure and frustration has gotten the better of us at one point or another, it would be unreasonable to expect everyone else to be perfect.
Angry Me: UH, but when you say it like that it makes me not want to be angry at him anymore!
Mediator Me: What happened next?
Overly Descriptive Me: Annoyed and angry we glared at officer lame face, taking our ticket with a “cheers mate” and strolling off. By now the woman officer had ushered off the man on the bike. It appeared he wasn’t going to get a ticket after all. Our weary feet took us several more steps depositing us at the edge of the crosswalk zone for the on ramp 36. The other officer watched us carefully, eyes poised like a lion. Her stare punctured something inside of us, allowing hesitation to diffuse out of every pore, a rank smell upon the now stale air.
Logical Me: But we knew we weren’t going to get in trouble again, at that juncture it was now the drivers’ turns to look out for us. We had the right of way.
Witty Me: Yeah, why would you do something as silly as judging police on their prior actions?
Sassy Me: Even though the situation had almost identical speeds, a similar turn and crossing distance and roughly the same line of sight distance. Yeah, this is clearly a totally different situation.
Sassy Me: Exactly because one had a traffic light and the other had a yield sign.
Angry Me: But that distinction is all but arbitrary for the purpose of crossing the street!
Mediator Me: Ok now, if we can all come back together let’s wrap this up. Assembly of Me(s), what are we going to do?
Angry Me: Obviously next time I’m going to wait at the damn light.
Logical Me: Obviously, the minute or two we saved by jumping the light clearly wasn’t worth the hassle of getting a ticket.
Sassy Me: [Sings] We fought the law and the, law won.
Angry Me: That and we should avoid crossing that intersection, especially when there’s a cop around.
Mediator Me: All in favor?
Assembly of Me(s): AY!
Mediator Me: The motion carries. Well then it seems that we’ve settled this issue. Memory Me, what next up on the docket list?
Memory Me: Next item it to determine whether or not we should pay the aforementioned jay walking ticket.
Assembly of Me(s): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!